My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
