we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
In other news, I just burned my penis
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
