i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
