you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
