i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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