you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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