The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
