Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
