and she was petting her beer can
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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