Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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