My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize