I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
