shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
