Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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