But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
