Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
