Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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