Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
