Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
