4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
