im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
