"it" just moved
True but thats because hes a fetus.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
