I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
