wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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