not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
