Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize