when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
