What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
