Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
