i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
