Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize