The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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