oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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