my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize