i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
