The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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