he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
