Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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