They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
