Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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