masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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