On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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