Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
