My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
