if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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