Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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