so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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