I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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