Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
