I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize
