College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
bring money and cleavage
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
