Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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