Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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