Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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