I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
