Don't make out with my wife yet
I bet he comes in French.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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