My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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