Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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