I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
