and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
