he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
